Dean,
in hand-written
words:
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
I lost all.
All.
I experienced the bottom.
My everyday picture
was homeless, questionable future.
I had to become flat out honest with myself
…and with others.
I had to earn forgiveness for myself
…and others.
I had to learn the simplicity of life
…to discover, respect and enjoy the kid in me,
…to find beauty in every form,
…to find a passion to earn life.
The honesty became liberating.
Knowing the consequences came to me,
I had the freedom
to be as irresponsible as I wanted.
I could be anybody I wanted to be.
I could use my middle name.
I could invent a name.
I could be anonymous.
I was not content with myself.
I wanted to like me for what I was,
with all my faults and perceived faults
and the mistakes that are part of growing up.
I found out I just wanted to be me.
I want to use my own name
but I’m tired—
Tired of maintaining my morals and manners
with those without.
It’s taxing me.
I’m tired –Tired of giving the benefit of the doubt,
then doubting the benefit.
When did a loving heart become a disability?
I’m tired of cold shoulders
and two faces,
sticky fingers and situations.
I’m tired of hot tempers
and plastic smiles,
giving an inch and losing a mile.
It’s taxing me.
When did nonsense replace sensibility?
When did caring become a liability?
Soon I’ll be better
but for now, however,
I’m tired.
We spoke:
“It’s hard for me to know
if I’m enjoying myself.
I need to do the best
I’m capable of doing
and I’m capable of doing some extraordinary things.
I struggle.
I don’t run away.
Life is not an event, it is a process.
“And we are so impatient.”
“…for more suspense turn the page slowly.”
