Dean,
in hand-written
words:

 

I JUST WANT TO BE ME

I lost all.

All.

I experienced the bottom.
My everyday picture
was homeless, questionable future.

I had to become flat out honest with myself
…and with others.
I had to earn forgiveness for myself
…and others.
I had to learn the simplicity of life
…to discover, respect and enjoy the kid in me,
…to find beauty in every form,
…to find a passion to earn life.

The honesty became liberating.
Knowing the consequences came to me,
I had the freedom
to be as irresponsible as I wanted.
I could be anybody I wanted to be.
I could use my middle name.
I could invent a name.
I could be anonymous.

I was not content with myself.
I wanted to like me for what I was,
with all my faults and perceived faults
and the mistakes that are part of growing up.

I found out I just wanted to be me.
I want to use my own name
but I’m tired—
Tired of maintaining my morals and manners
with those without.
It’s taxing me.



I’m tired –
Tired of giving the benefit of the doubt,
then doubting the benefit.
When did a loving heart become a disability?
I’m tired of cold shoulders
and two faces,
sticky fingers and situations.
I’m tired of hot tempers
and plastic smiles,
giving an inch and losing a mile.
It’s taxing me.
When did nonsense replace sensibility?
When did caring become a liability?

Soon I’ll be better
but for now, however,
I’m tired.


We spoke:
“It’s hard for me to know
if I’m enjoying myself.
I need to do the best
I’m capable of doing
and I’m capable of doing some extraordinary things.
I struggle.
I don’t run away.
Life is not an event, it is a process.

“And we are so impatient.”



Deans-Sig



“…for more suspense turn the page slowly.”

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